Officer, I\u2019ve told you exactly what happened. I\u2019ve been here all day and, frankly, I don\u2019t appreciate being treated like a criminal. Now, I\u2019ve answered all your questions, filled out a report, and signed my statement. What more could you possibly want from me?<\/p>\n
Again?<\/p>\n
You want me to go over what we\u2019ve already been over numerous times?<\/p>\n
Fine.<\/p>\n
Where would you like me to start?<\/p>\n
I don\u2019t need your attitude, sir. It all started six months ago. At that point, I had a modest beard of modest thickness. It wasn\u2019t my intention to select the path that led to the events of the last 36 hours, but I couldn\u2019t help it. I saw that flyer and I couldn\u2019t help myself. I mean, I already had 6 weeks of growth in. It wasn\u2019t like I\u2019d have to start all over! I saw that flyer, and I knew I had to do it.<\/p>\n
You know which flyer I\u2019m talking about. I\u2019ve told you three times!<\/p>\n
Ugh. The 2013 National Bearded Men Bearing Beards-A-Palooza.<\/p>\n
So, from that point on I didn\u2019t shave. I found a beard guru, and he taught he everything I needed to know about proper growth and maintenance. I conditioned it every day. Avoided salty food.\u00a0 Ate my body weight in avocados. A syrup wrap. A honey wrap. A full body tomato sauce bath. It wasn\u2019t easy, alright? It took dedication. For a while it was itchy. It was itchy, and I had to convince myself every morning not to hack it all off. And my co-workers never let a day go by without making a disparaging comment. I even filed a hostile work environment complaint because they were harassing my beard. They covered my car in shaving cream one afternoon.\u00a0 One time I came back to my desk and found a bottle of Nair. Nair! But the worst, by far, was when I came into the office one morning, and there was a homeless man sitting at my desk. My co-workers paid him $20 to come and sit in my cubicle with his ratty, unkempt, unprofessional face-locks. Obviously, they were attempting to draw a comparison between my luscious, maintained, gentle-beard and his absurd face hair. Well they didn\u2019t succeed! Not all beards are created equal, officer. You have to love and care for it. You can\u2019t just not shave for a while and be a bearer of a true beard.<\/p>\n
Laugh it up.<\/p>\n
I know your type. You probably would\u2019ve joined in on the fun with your obvious lack of any beard growing ability.<\/p>\n
I am calm!<\/p>\n
Fine.<\/p>\n
Well the competition was approaching.<\/p>\n
Really?\u00a0 You\u2019re that immature?<\/p>\n
Well, the 2013 National Bearded Men Bearing Beards-A-Palooza was approaching, and I was in the home stretch. In just 24 hours, I would be walking across that stage with my perfectly sculpted follicles. All I had to do was avoid damage to my precious. No spills, no drips, no wind, no cold, no heat. I was ready to call it a night. She and I ordered in and I ate with a sanitary garbage bag covering my face, with only a small hole poked for my food. I was ready to call it a night. We didn\u2019t need to go for a walk! She begged and begged. I knew I\u2019d been neglecting her a little with the competition approaching.<\/p>\n
No.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m not going to do it.<\/p>\n
(clears throat<\/em>)<\/p>\n I knew I\u2019d been neglecting her a little, with the 2013 National Bearded Men Bearing Beards-A-Palooza approaching. She threatened to come at me with scissors if I didn\u2019t go on a walk with her. I checked the wind, the temperature, and the precipitation. It was 71 degrees outside, 1 mph wind, and 0% chance of rain. I could survive maybe 30 minutes outside without damaging my face. So, she grabbed her purse, I grabbed the bottom of my beard so it wouldn\u2019t drag the floor, and we walked outside.<\/p>\n That was our first mistake.<\/p>\n The second was when she demanded we extend our walk to the little river near our building. She was adamant that we walk across that bridge. I mean, I understand it, that\u2019s where we got engaged. But just because it was our anniversary didn\u2019t mean we had to do something romantic!<\/p>\n So we got to the bridge. We were half way across, and then it all happened. She wanted a kiss. I tried to tell her I could not risk any sort of germ contact, but she was so persistent. As she was leaning in, I just stood there imagining all the bacteria that could get into my follicles and cause my beard to wilt, and I saw it. Out of the corner of my eye. A white flash. A white flash that was headed straight for us. God, why did we have to be on that bridge? The bird of prey swooped in and nearly came close to flying directly into my face-nest. Obviously, I reacted. It was involuntary! I\u2019d known that beard through ingrown hairs, thousands of dollars spent on upkeep…we were blood. We shared the same DNA, for Christ\u2019s sake!<\/p>\n What happened next?<\/p>\n Well, I reacted. I quickly moved my head backwards and pivoted my entire left side to shield me from the animal. And, during the course of that, I knocked her over the bridge. But she didn\u2019t fall in the river. As she was falling, she grabbed on to the only thing she could reach.<\/p>\n My beard.<\/p>\n I screamed at her to cease and desist. To let go of my most prized possession. I could feel individual follicles tearing out, and I was filled with rage and sadness and hate. She tried to tell me to just reach my arm down and grab her. Reach my arm down? I\u2019m supposed to help you? You who are currently tugging on my beard on the eve of the competition?<\/p>\n I leaned over the ledge, looked that harlot right in the face, and punched her right between the eyes. Ha, she sure did let go after that. Apparently my extended beard growth had given me some Samson-esque strength and my Joe Frazier right jab knocked her out. I mean cold. She was limp before she hit the water.<\/p>\n Of course I didn\u2019t jump in! Lord knows what sort of beard pollutants were floating in that God-forsaken river. I just couldn\u2019t risk it. I tried to call out for help, but no one was around.<\/p>\n Look, I called 9-1-1. I reported it. I told all y\u2019all what happened. I\u2019m sure the ambulance got there within minutes.<\/p>\n Why would I have stuck around? Sleep is the number one key to beard growth. I couldn\u2019t spend all evening with the ambulance or sitting at the hospital with her! I went directly home and got a full twelve hours in.<\/p>\n I honestly don\u2019t see why you\u2019re asking me all these things. I didn\u2019t realize it was a crime to not wait around for the ambulance after reporting a crime.<\/p>\n No, I haven\u2019t spoken to her since the incident.<\/p>\n Like I said, I was busy.<\/p>\n Whoa, whoa, whoa. What? I’m being charged with what?! You\u2019re kidding me. It wasn\u2019t even that far of a drop! And it was into water. And she is a fine swimmer.<\/p>\n Look, wait. Just wait. No. Stop. Don\u2019t. Yes, yes, I know all that. Don\u2019t worry, I won\u2019t be saying a word. I want my attorney immediately. Just take it easy. I\u2019m sure there\u2019s another explanation.<\/p>\n \u00a0Look, I want my phone call. I know I get a phone call! And do I really have to be locked in here with these animals? After all, I am the 2013 NATIONAL BEARDED MEN BEARING BEARDS-A-PALOOZA CHAMPION!<\/p>\n \u00a0I want that phone call!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Officer, I\u2019ve told you exactly what happened. I\u2019ve been here all day and, frankly, I don\u2019t appreciate being treated like a criminal. Now, I\u2019ve answered all your questions, filled out a report, and signed my statement. What more could you possibly want from me? Again? You want me to go over what we\u2019ve already been … Continue reading I Love My Beard<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3604,"featured_media":720,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[6854],"tags":[],"issue":[6875],"class_list":["post-599","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-fiction","issue-6875"],"publishpress_future_action":{"enabled":false,"date":"2026-07-09 19:27:22","action":"change-status","newStatus":"draft","terms":[],"taxonomy":"category","extraData":[]},"publishpress_future_workflow_manual_trigger":{"enabledWorkflows":[]},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gcc.mass.edu\/plum\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/599","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gcc.mass.edu\/plum\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gcc.mass.edu\/plum\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gcc.mass.edu\/plum\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3604"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gcc.mass.edu\/plum\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=599"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.gcc.mass.edu\/plum\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/599\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gcc.mass.edu\/plum\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/720"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.gcc.mass.edu\/plum\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=599"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gcc.mass.edu\/plum\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=599"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gcc.mass.edu\/plum\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=599"},{"taxonomy":"issue","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.gcc.mass.edu\/plum\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/issue?post=599"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}